


Deeeaaaal?

by cap_n_port



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, how did garfield know to make magnus a new body?, purely hypothetical
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-28
Updated: 2017-05-29
Packaged: 2018-11-06 03:02:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11027241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cap_n_port/pseuds/cap_n_port
Summary: "Mm-hmm." Garfield held out his hand to shake. "Make a deal with me."





	1. Magic!

The young tabaxi grinned as the portal opened in front of him. Out popped an otherworldly being, which he smiled at.

 **GARFIELD** , it said.  **WHAT IS YOUR WISH.**

"I wanna be a warlock! Make a deeeeaaaal with me!"

**YOU WOULD REALLY BE SO NAIVE AS TO MAKE A DEAL WITH A GOD?**

"Yeah!!!!"

**CHILD. YOU WILL SEE HELLS THAT YOUR MIND CANNOT COMPREHEND. YOU WILL FEEL THE WEIGHT OF ALL THE PLANES AS YOU GAIN MORE KNOWLEDGE THAN YOUR YOUNG MIND WAS EVER MEANT TO HO-**

"Don't care. Deal. Now."

**ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS?**

"Mm-hmm." Garfield held out his hand to shake. "Make a deal with me."

\-----

_"Welcome to- The Adventure Zone!"_

 

_""Let me tell you a story about the time we fought three ogres, and I got punched so hard I almost died. You remember? You were up in some kind of weird laser firing potions willy-nilly, Magnus was pulling the arms off a robot, and I got punched so hard I almost died! I'm not about to throw down with a giant crab while you're armed with just a terrible Scottish accent, and Travis doesn't even have his shield! I'm out!""_

 

_"I'll be getting my body back, you undead fuck!"_

 

_"How could you ever forget Lup?"_

 

_"Cap'n'port."_

 

_"The Starblaster!"_

 

_"Lucretia's kneeling over her white oak staff, and she's channeling some sort of energy from the orb into the staff, which, of course, is the grand relic she made when the seven of you first came to this world."_

 

_"She thinks of her friends, and she prays for sunrise."_

 

_ "Not with that attitude, Timothy. Deborah. Deborah, come in close. Steven, scoot in. Derek, yes. Susan, you’re close enough. You’re good. No--" _

 

_ "Yeah, there is somethin’ I’d like to know. Are you my friend?" _

 

_ "It’s not perfect, but it’s the best I can do." _

 

_ "Our capacity for love increases with each person we cross paths with throughout our lives, and which each moment we spend with those people." _

 

_ " As it launches up into the sky, and as you’re flying up and- and past the barrier, there’s a moment of anx- of- of tension and anxiety, where you don’t know if this things gonna be there, after you pass through the barrier between realities. You’ve seen, you know, small animals or whatever stay, and you’ve seen people disappear. But as you pass through that barrier, both you and Lucretia are just staring intently at the fish, just desperately hoping, and- and as your vision clears, you see it." _

 

_ "And something has shot the Starblaster right out of the sky." _

 

_ " You’re a long way from home, from your journey’s beginning. And still away from your journey’s end, aren’t you?" _

_" The truth of this matter is already known. Speak it openly."_

_" Piety will be rewarded, corruption will be punished."_

_" None of your deeds will be kept from our divine providence. The measure of your words and deeds throughout the fullness of your lives will be considered and weighed."_

 

_ "Have we not… earned a little wrath? Given what we’ve been through, we haven’t earned that?" _

\-----

"What the hell was that?!" Garfield asked when he snapped out of his trance.

**OH TRUST ME, CHILD. THERE WILL BE MORE.**

"What the fuck?!"

**OH, AND DON'T FORGET TO GET HIRED AT FANTASY COSTCO!**

As the eldritch horror disappeared, another "memory of the future" came to Garfield's head.

_"Fantasy Costco, where all your dreams come true! Got a deal for you!"_

"God fucking dammit. Is this how it's gonna be for the rest of my life?"

_"I'm Garfield! The Deals Warlock!"_

"That explains that."


	2. Lunar Interlude I

_"Yeah, you got a great deal."_

Garfield heard a voice, and rushed around the corner, seeing an elf, human, and dwarf he had seen before, if only in the magical memories his deity gave him.

"From me!" He yelled. "Garfield the Deals Warlock!"

He heard some talking in the back of his mind, but dismissed it.

"I'm a new hire here at the Fantasy Costco!" said Garfield. In reality, he was the only hire, but they didn't need to know that. "The benefits are terrible!" 

More talking. Garfield took this opportunity to search his mind for what he should say. He wanted to make a good impression, but he also just wanted to be himself. He was interrupted by the human, Magnus if he recalled correctly, speaking.

"Alright, I’m eyeballing the mystery bag and the Lens of Straight Creepin’, but I also want that um -uh, the Tankard of Potent Drink."

"Oh sure," Garfield rolled his eyes. "Why don't you just take everything in the store without paying for it?!"

"I'll give you 700 for those three items in total."

It wasn't a fair deal, but he knew he'd lose, if the dice rolled the way he expected. Time to play it up.

"Yes, yes, prepare to contest me- Garfield the Deals Warlock, in a test of mercantile wits! Have at thee!" He stabbed a paw foward as if in a sword fight.

Even more talking, and the sound of dice rolling.

_"He rolled a 6, so 8."_

_"I rolled a 14 plus 1."_

It looked like Magnus won.

"Okay, fine." 

"What's in the mystery bag?"

"Don't tell my boss though," This was a ruse he had to keep up. They couldn't know how powerful he really was. "Don't tell- I know I'm called the Deals Warlock, but-" The elf, Taako, made air quotes. 

"I'm kind of an entry-level sales associate."

These were rude, rude boys. Merle, the dwarf, grinned. 

"Everyone answers to somebody!"

"-But we have a strict bottom line." Garfield finished, sighing.

Magnus opened the mystery bag to find Steven, as Garfield knew he would. Not much of a mystery when you can predict the future, Garfield laughed to himself, hiding his smirk behind a paw.

Lots more talking. Garfield wasn't sure if Merle was the one offering Magnus gold pieces for the fish, or if it was one of the voices.

They opened up Taako's pocket spa, walking inside, and exiting soon after.

Garfield grinned, knowing what to do. He walked up to Merle.

"Uh, I shall meet you in a test of wits, as well. Wits and wagers! If you so choose, but if you lose,-" Good rhyming there, Garfy, really playing up the whole "mysterious" aspect- "Your first child is mine!"

"...Alright."

"I will have your child!"

A die rolled in the back of his mind.

"Wow."

"Are you tough enough?"

"We'll see."

"WITS AND WAGERS!" Garfield yelled, at the top of his lungs.

_"So a 20? I rolled a 10."_

"No. I will name him…Craigory. Or her. If only you could somehow come up with an extra 100 gold pieces."

"Here, I have an extra 100 gold you can use." said Taako, handing Merle some money.

"You got the - you got the spa for 600 gold?" asked Magnus.

"Taako, that’s amazing!" exclaimed Merle

"That’s incredible, what did you roll?" Magnus asked. So they knew about the dice too. Garfield looked at Taako, catching his eye.

"Yeah he really, uh, he really beat me in a test of wits and wagers."

"Yeah, what the cat said." Garfield winked at Taako. "Uh... yeah."

"Okay, what do I with the hundred- the hundred gold?" Merle interjected."

"You trade it in for goods and services." said Garfield, deadpan.

When the boys got out of the store, Garfield sighed and sat down. What a handful.


	3. Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> theres an oc in this one

Hope grinned. 

"Wow, Garfy, are you sure you're okay?" Garfield, currently downing an entire bottle of alcohol, looked at her.

"Does it look like I'm okay?"

"Not really."

"It's those fucking voices again!" Garfield leaned back on his chair. "I swear to the gods above! Something is going to happen to this world!"

Hope giggled, getting up and scratching Garfield's head.

"Are you sure you're not crazy?"

"Everyone thinks I am... I shouldn't have made that deal as a kid."

"You wouldn't have met me otherwise."

"I guess."

Hope pulled up a chair, and sat in front of Garfield.

"Tell me everything."


	4. Lunar Interlude II

When Garfield heard the doors open, he decided to be extra theatrical. Appearing semi-spectral was no trouble for him, so it was in this form he floated up to the three reclaimers, apparently known around the base as the Tres Horny Boys. Horrible name.

"Welcome to Fantasy Costco, I’m Garfield the Deals Warlock!" He said, grinning.

"Yes!" exclaimed Magnus. Taako simply rolled his eyes.

" We’ve got a lot of exciting deals for you today, if you’re willing to part with your coin!"

Garfield heard a lot of talking, but he ignored it, folding his paws in front of him. They were eyeing the Flaming Raging Poisonous Sword of Doom, something that they'd never- oh wait. Fuck this. 

The voices seemed to be talking about what items the boys would buy. Good. He always needed more business, even if it did come with the annoying voices.

"Alright," said Magnus, interrupting Garfield's train of thought. "I would like to sell back my old shield for 150."

"Let me see it. Let me see that bad boy!" Garfield said, rubbing his paws together. This would be a good opportunity to make sure the future went as it should. He needed something of Magnus's for that. His blood would do.

" This is a Magnus Burnsides, official merch, uh… you could put this up if you open like a, a Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame, or something like that."

"That’s not a bad idea, you boys… I see you increasing in equity-" Good word, Garfield. "-By the adventure. Tell me, can you sign it for me?"

 "Yes." Magnus held out his hand, and Merle handed him a pen. Magnus signed it, with an unreadable scrawl.

"Oh no, oh no, dearie! I meant in blood!" Garfield said, anxiously. This had to go exactly right.

"Oh, yeah. That too. Sure." Garfield handed Magnus a pin, which he used to prick his skin, and put a little blood on the shield. Garfield took the shield, and the pin, which still had a little Magnus blood on it.

"It won’t be in mint condition, then." remarked Merle.

"Ohohh, I don’t need it to be in mint condition," Garfield responded.

"What are you gonna do with it, Garfield!?" Magnus asked nervously.

 "Good transaction! Everyone got what they needed!" replied Garfield, avoiding the question.

 "Oh no. Am I gonna die?" Garfield started laughing.

"No dear." Quite the opposite, he thought to himself. I'm giving you an extra life.  "Why, I’m just here to save you some spondooli, my man!"

A lot more talking.

_ "I don’t, um… I want the anti-gravity sphere, and the plastic sheriff’s badge." _

_ "Ok. That’s a thousand." _

_ "Um, and then… tell you what, why don’t you throw in that immovable rod. Cause we’re all spendin’ a lot of money here." _

"That’s twenty-one-hundred my dude, that’s a… that’s a lot, don’t you think?" Taako sighed.

"Yeah, I mean… but I have eighteen, so what I--"

"Meet me, meet me halfway. Meet me halfway. Let me get there… you got anything on you that I think I could resell for three-hundred GP, I don’t care about the profit, my man, I just wanna break even!" Garfield grinned. He honestly just wanted as much money as he could get in the limited time he had left.

_ "What about all that silverware you stole from the kid?"  _

_ "Yeah, did I ever sell that?" _

"You already sold that… I already bought that up from you, my man."

"You know what, I’m gonna cut you a great deal. I’m gonna sell you a… a… a comedy prop, that I thought would come in handy that never really came in handy. It’s my, it’s my pocket spa. Gonna sell that to you."

"You bought that for like eight-hundred GP last time, I--"

"It hasn’t really come in that handy."

"Get a couple healing potions, too…" interjected Magnus.

"Ok, well, no, that’s--" 

"No I mean, it’s a good point, maybe, there might be a time when I-" interrupted Taako. Gods, they wouldn't let him talk.

"Listen, I got your best interests at heart, my man."

"Sell him the poison." said Magnus, again. 

**"** Oh here, how about the Gust-Master 5000. How ‘bout I sell you that." Garfield paused, and said,

"Didn’t like that one very much, huh?"

"It- it- all it does is cast a spell I can already cast. I don’t like it too much."

"Yeah I mean it’s not very good. I dunno what you want me to say, they can’t all be hits. Yeah alright, we can do that."

**"** We got a deal, huh, great."

Garfield nodded, and left. Bye, assholes!

 

 


	5. Lunar Interlude III

_" Uh, sounds like you’re gonna go—"_

Here it was! Like usual, he ran up to the boys.

"Over your budget, which means it's time to deal with me! Garfield the Deals Warlock!  Sorry, I was back in the stockroom while you boys were perusing my aisles! I'm glad I caught you before you go! I have something important to ask you."

 "Yeah?"

 "What is it?"

" You like deals?" whispered Garfield.

"Let’s see how we can squeeze this rapier into the mix. Magnus, perhaps you’d like to give me a little bit more blood on some object that you have?" Garfield asked. Just in case, you know?

"You—you can have my old chest armor."

"What even was it?"

"I don’t know! Platemail, I think?"

"This smells like you sweated in this a lot!" Yuck. Cats had great noses, he'd need to wash this thing. A lot.

_ "So _ much. It’s, uh, that’s a Burnside family thing." Garfield stood on his tiptoes, up to Magnus's ear, and whispered,

"Add some blood to the mix, maybe I’d think about it."

"How much blood?"

"A good amount."

"Ugh. For 25 gold?" Yeah for 25 gold, you fucking cheapskate!

"T his, yes, this seems—this seems very valuable! I'll have to hammer out the… weird nipples that you have." Garfield grinned. What a way to insult the penny pincher.

**"** No, that’s a dealbreaker Garfield."

"Those came around naturally!" said Merle, laughing.

"Why do you care whether or not it’ll have nipples on it?"

"Because it’s an artistic piece as much as it is functional!"

"You give me a little bit of blood on this thing and I'll be good to go."

"Alright, done, here’s a little bit of blood."

**"** Uh, oh, I'll get it." Garfield pulled out his dagger. " Let’s use mine!"

"Oh, gods!" Garfield pricked Magnus's finger, collecting the blood on the chestplate.

**"** Pleasure doing business with you!"

"That seems an awful lot for a 25 gold piece rapier, I'm just saying."

"It’s just blood, homie." Homie was what people said, right?

"Doesn’t grow back."

Yeah, it fucking does. Garfield leaned back, activated a trapdoor, and seeming to phase into the floor.


	6. Hope, Part II

"So what you're telling me, is there's an eldritch horror heading for this plane?"

"An eldritch horror is an understatement."

"And people are going to die?"

"Yes. But I must tell you, in order for us to succeed, you can't tell anyone."

"I can keep a secret. But why?"

"That's not my business."

"What is?"

"DEEEAAAAALSSSSS!" Hope laughed. "Wanna make one?!"

"No thanks."

"Alright."

**Author's Note:**

> please leave comments


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